此生未命名 - Untitled Life

Ok, so Biden won. Nicely done US people, or should I say, US electors? Four years ago, since the election was called, so many university professors and other scholars published their depressed open letters regarding the results. The time was 2016, and I was rather naive and not defeated by the reality back then, and decided I would wait and see what would happen. Then, well, shall we say, "reality" happened. My personal story on this matter is probably more dramatic than the collective memory, but that can wait for another time. I am no international relation expert, but even I can see during the past four years that the age of rationality had gone. Dead cold gone. The age of Trumpism would be the last time most people sing the praises and cherish the memory of rationality. After that, finally seeing him go and relaxed, people will forget about the importance of resisting. This is not a warning, but a prediction. Trump has lowered the level of politics so much so that he mig...

Disclaimer: the future (normative, not descriptive) So you are a student like me, "attending school" through Zoom these days like me. If you were also socially awkward like me, you may find this version of education more enjoyable, just like me, I firmly believe in learning through digital methods, not only since it can be more inclusive, but also, digital records tend to be lighter in weight, more searchable, and more editable than their analogue counterparts. For example, back in the days when we physically attended school, the contrast of backpack sizes between students from my department vs. students from the law school is astonishing. Each of them constantly carried huge binders, hundreds of index cards, thicc law books, etc. Everytime I saw a law student with their bag, I could not help shrinking a little bit inside, and thought how much better would their life be if all those paper were digitised. Several years ago, I were one of those who carried binders in th...

On Connected #124 : ( 54:03 ) (transcribed by Otter ) Federico: I remember life before the smartphone, before the, you know, the Internet everywhere. But it's, I also don't really remember it, like, it almost doesn't make any sense that there was a time where you can’t look up, you know, maps on your phone… Myke: Yeah, yeah. Federico: Or talk to anyone for free. Like, these things, they were started, kick started by the iPhone and by the App Store. But I don't know, maybe it's the fact that we're getting older, could be, and maybe it's the fact that it's been 10 years. But it, like I struggled to remember how it used to be. Like I remember when my parents and I went on road trips, we had to actually take out, you know, fold out maps with us. And now you just walk out and you fire up Google Maps or Apple Maps on your phone and, you know, you can get to anywhere. Stephen: Yeah. Federico: So it is difficult for me to remember how it used to be, b...

距离星巴克平安夜 special 关门还有约 1 个小时，看看能不能把酝酿了两天的这篇博文写一写。 It's about an hour before Starbucks Christmas Eve special closing time. Let's see if I can write this blog post that has been brewing in my mind for two days. 注意：搞笑，偏执狂，滥用括号，乱七八糟的童年回忆 Warnings: funny, paranoid, abuse of brackets, messy childhood memories 我算是拖延症里面比较严重的那种。虽然被学生的身份逼着完成了很多事情，然而一拖拖了好几年的任务也不是没有，做了个开头然后拖了几个星期几个月再继续的就更多了。小到每天的生活：我极其，极其拖延晚间洗漱。 I am at the extreme end of procrastination spectrum. Although I was forced to complete a lot of things as a student, there are tasks under delay for several years, and even more that I had done the beginnings, and nothing further for weeks or months. Down to day-to-day scenarios: I am extremely, extremely prone to procrastinating at night wash-ups. 作为一个标准东亚人，我习惯睡前洗澡，但困意常有，澡意不常有（意思是没有）。 明明任务告一段落了可以睡觉了，却因为不想去洗澡而继续磨磨蹭蹭干点别的杂事，然后一不小心就跳进了兔子洞里，再一抬头已经是两小时后。再加上我向来入睡困难，一旦开始拖延洗澡，正常睡觉几乎是不可能的事情。 成功「去」洗澡后，更大的问题是「洗澡」本身。首先，我一直被魇在「洗不干净污渍」和「洗不干净泡沫残留」的两难中；其次，用手搓不干净，用毛巾每天没法彻底...

It is the n-th time I want to finish this post, and by this time, I will just type only in English to make it less emotional & more structural (or less). So, power dynamics. Sometimes you are only able to recognise how it affects you after the relationship ends, and I say this from experience. Unfortunately, many (almost all) types of relationships in the world inevitably come with unbalanced power structure. Parent-child relationship, undoubtedly one of the most important one for most people, is among them. Your character, your view of the world, you view of yourself , are affected by your relationship with your parent(s), and how they project everything onto you. Recently I was taking about the thing of my family with a friend, and delightfully surprisingly, we had this conversation as the finale: FR: Do you think, in retrospect, you would have achieved everything you have achieved today, if it was without the pressure from your family? ME: Er, yeah, I think so? I know I...

想写这个题目很久了，然而一直在探索过程中，写得太早未免误人误己。 我的故事里没有鲜花红毯，也没有感人的出柜经历（事实上我还没对家人出柜），但它值得一讲。 警告：非常尴尬以及翻译腔的中文 Have been thinking about this topic for a while, but also have been exploring the whole time and writing it up too early may cause misleading messages. There is no red carpet of flowers in my story, and there is no touching coming out experience (in fact I have not come out to my family yet), but it is worth telling. Warning: very awkward and unnatural Chinese 性别认同 ／Gender identification 我是生物学女性。我从小有性别焦虑。 我目前的性别认同是非二元性别—泛性别。 我曾经相信性别是个光谱，现在已经不信了，原因是光谱只有两个极点，本质上是细化了的二元性别。而组成「性别性格」的变量成百上千，不能用一条光谱概括。 我现在觉得，性别是人格的一部分，或者说，性别就是人格。我们说十人十色，也就是每个人都有自己独特的人格，那么，每个人也该拥有自己独特的性别，而不是被框在一个无比狭隘的量尺里。 I am a biological woman. I have gender anxiety since I was a child. Currently I identify as non-binary -- pangender. I used to believe that gender is a spectrum, but not anymore, because spectrum has only two poles, which is essentially a refined representation of binary gender framework. There ...

瓜总寄了明信片给我，我也想寄给她，但总担心寄出去之后她就搬家了然后收不到 ry，于是就这样吧。 Danny sent a postcard to me, and I want to send something back. But my big worry is always that she might move away right after I send it, so, this is it. 瓜总： 虽然你说感觉我的生活还不错，我自己也依然享受作为学生的日常，但研究生真的苦。我有点儿想不起来以前怎么一个学期能学十门课，怎么考前几个星期才开始复习还能考得挺好，怎么在课余还能干点其他事儿。 然而如果让我再选一次应该还是会考研，就像我觉得让你再选一次你也还是会直接工作。怎么说呢，我是个爱钻牛角尖的人，而你更擅长做实事。 希望你喜欢你的工作。我喜欢我的专业，但日渐感觉到我的热情不完全放在它身上。可能这也是成为大人的体验的一部分，毕竟，似乎，大部分人都不会从事自己真正热爱的事业？如果你还打算着下一个目的地的话，那很好，但可能我们不会在欧洲再见，因为，厄，我终究还是想去美国看看。 加油8。 Danny: Although you wrote that my life seemed good, and I, too, enjoy the daily life of still being a student, but postgraduate life sucks. I can't remember how we used to take ten lectures in a semester. How did I start reviewing just a few weeks before the exams and still get fine grades? How did I find spare time to do other things? However, if I were to choose again, I might still take it. I think that if you were to choose again, you would also choose to work aga...

我妈叫我申暑校，我申了斯坦福，被录取了，然后她叫我不要去。虽然她的第一反应通常被证明是错的，但是我就是气不过要讲讲。 My mom let me apply for some summer schools. I applied for Stanford and was accepted. Then she told me not to go. Although her first reaction has often proved to be wrong, I am still angry and have to talk about it. 事情是这样的。 我不知道自己想不想读博，但是她一直想要我去读博。 中国人读博第一步：套磁。 我妈套磁第一步：申暑校／交换。好呗，反正我暑假也不想回家，就随便申了两个目测不太可能要我的。 中国人读博第二步：找中介。 我妈火急火燎找了中介，结果现在斯坦福暑校要我了，伦敦政经申了三门课，有一门也要我了（刚看到的，还没跟我妈讲），，，我有点不知道怎么反应，但是我是想去的。 我妈：你这样会延毕的啦！不要去！ 也是我妈：你是超人！你没有什么事做不到的！ 我无话可说。 This is the thing. I have forever been not sure if I want to attend PhD, but she always wants me to. Step 1 for Chinese to PhD: prospective student email. Step 1 for my mom: summer school / exchange. Well, I don't want to go back home during the summer anyways, so I applied for two random schools that are not likely to admit me. Step 2 for Chinese to PhD: find an agency. My mom hurried to sign an contract with the agency. And now that I am accepted to Stanford Su...

我一直在平等和自由这两者应该谁先谁后这个问题上摇摆不定。前些日子有些偏向自由，然而这部电影又给我偏回去了。 我们追求什么？平等与自由，我很赞同。 我们怎么追求？——关于手段／期望结果，本片给出的答案是暴力／你死我活。我有些不确定自己怎么看。 I have been swinging on which of equality and freedom comes first. Some time ago I was for freedom, but the film kind of pushed me back. What are we pursuing? Equality and freedom. I agree on that. How do we pursue? For the means and expected outcome, the answer given by this film was violence and zero-sum. I am not sure how I think about it. 手段和结果是紧密相关的。我不能昧着良心说我赞成暴力，但无可辩驳的是，暴力的确是弱势一方引起强势一方注意／反应及影响媒体大众的最好方式（详见上月的新西兰枪击案）。暴力有时被描述为「必须的恶」，这个词很有意思。是恶我就会反对，那么必须的恶呢？如果我方不使用暴力便会被对方暴力解决，我还会坚持不能使用暴力吗？我愿意为信念赴死不代表我愿意或者有资格拉着同伴垫背，但暴力就是暴力。恶就是恶。 你死我活其实也是个很有意思的期望值。红衣杀死自己对应的地上人，以获得他们地上人的身份和生活（e.g. 白人妈妈涂口红那幕），这一行为使角色对调：他们成为了原本的地上人，来压迫成为了地下人的对应。如果反抗压迫的目的即成为压迫者，那么这种反抗还是道德的吗？ The means and outcomes are closely related. I must obey my conscience and say that I don't agree with violence, but it is irrefutable that violence is indeed the best way for a weaker party to att...

我一直羞于承认自己是理想主义者，正如我一直羞于承认自己是现实主义者。事实上，我几乎从不承认自己是任何「主义者」。当不得不探讨政治问题的时候，我试图藏在绝对中立的面具后面，不偏向任何一方。这，当然，是不可能的。 学了性别学之后（感谢 Chris），我开始重新审视自己与这个世界之间的关系。 I have always been ashamed to admit that I am an idealist, just as I have always been ashamed to admit that I am a realist. In fact, I almost never admit that I am any "ist". When I have to discuss political issues, I try to hide behind my absolutely neutral mask, and to be not biased towards any side. Which, of course, is impossible. After taking Gender Study (thanks to Chris), I began to re-examine my relationship with the world. 在很多事情上，我是个彻头彻尾的理想主义者。我相信和平与秩序，相信理性（rationality）和理论（reasoning）的力量，相信人性的坚韧和美好。我相信（或者说希望）人类能联合起来，超越割裂和偏见，找到出路。但在某些话题上，我又非常矛盾地成为了顽固的现实主义者。小到不相信给流浪汉一笔钱他们就能重返社会，大到不相信 Brexit、Trump wall、两岸能得出有序的良性结果。 我已经发现了：我只相信抽象的、作为概念的人。一旦涉及到具体的、现实中的个人或者某些人，我立即丧失所有信心。 这完全不符合逻辑。不知怎的，我觉得全体人类放在一起就不可战胜，然而他们每一个单独拎出来都是弱智。要不就是我的脑子有问题，要不就是我把人类看作蚂蚁，因为蚂蚁有集体智慧。 可能我真的把人类看作蚂蚁。一种不自量力的、居高临下的态度，你可能会说，但我不会否认自己也是蚂蚁。我自己也有能见人的一面和破烂不堪的...

决定了要去德国读硕士，十月份开学，离开日本大概是九月中左右。憧憬了很久的多语言博客藉这个机会也可以（应该）开始写了。 I decided to go to Germany for my Master's study. The planned departure from Japan is around September, and the school year will start in this October. I think this is a good opportunity to start keeping a multilingual blog, which I should but have been too lazy to do. 这并不是一个容易的决定。在日四年，我好不容易习惯了这里的一切，找到了属于自己的生活方式和穿着风格，造好了杂乱舒适的房间，得到了一位值得毕生珍惜的好友，和可爱的男朋友。我爱上了这片冷漠又温情的土地，和她生养的民族。但是安全区令我变得迟钝，趁脑子里那个想要出去冒险的自己还没有完全沉默，再一次，我想出去看看。 This is never an easy decision. After four years in Japan, I am already completely used to everything here. I've found my own lifestyle, built my messy but comfort room, and met a great friend and my boyfriend who I want to cherish for my whole life. I fell in love with this unique country and nation that sometimes seems too cold but is always welcoming. However, I also noticed that Japan has become pretty much a comfort zone for me, and once more, I want to jump out of it before I lose the sou...